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Bootcamp Shit: Part 21, Ker-fuckin-plunk

“Cummmmmm-poeeeee-knee! Attennnnn...hut!”
We did as we were told.
We did as were were told.
“Yon two. A thee a fou-uhhhhhh. Yah yon two. Yon two a thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Yah yon—
Hope I get some mail tonight. Be lame as fuck I'm the only one not gets no mail.
Bet yo' ass ain't gettin' shit.
Bullshit. Mom'll least be sendin' me somethin'. Friends said they'd be sendin' me somethin' too, know I'm sayin'?
Fuck you. I got me a couple.
Bullshit you do. Friendless lookin' fucker ever I seen one.
Fuck you talkin' bullshit? I got Wes. I got Jon. I got Ad—
Only friend you got's a midget.
Midget livin' in yo' pants.
Fuckin' stupid, dude. Gotta come up with better fuckin' jokes than tha—
I stepped on the heel of Rockford's boot. Yes, Rockford. Of all the recruits be marchin' behind just had be marchin' behind that big footed sum bitch. I didn't just causal graze the back his monster hoof of a fuckin' boot either. Nah. I straight up stomped that motherfucker.
Rockford didn't say nothin'. Didn't turn round or do nothin'. Fucker kept right on marchin' to the tune of—
“Thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Yah yon two. Yon two a theeeeeeeeeeee—
Maybe he didn't feel it. Possible he didn't fuckin' feel it, right?
Course he fuckin' felt it. Wouldn't you feel it a big ol' fuckin' boot scraped the back your fuckin' heel?
Yeah, but I di—
But nothin', motherfucker. You did it, it's done, everyone makes mistakes, fuck it, forget about it, stop bein' such lil' fuckin' bitch about it, getting' back to what I was previously sayin' 'fore you stomped that sum bitches fuckin' heel, I bet yo' ass ain't getting' jack fuckin' shit come tonight's mail call. You know it. I know it. Ain't no one care enough to mail your dumbass shit and that's that and stop getting' your stupid fuckin' hopes up 'bout gettin' anything other than nothin' comes tonights damned mail call, K?
Bullshit! Mom's gonna be sendin' me fuckin' somethin. You know damn well Mom'll be sendin' my ass fuckin' somethin'. Probably be sendin' me them lil' fuckin' things she makes, you know, them lil' fuckers that look all filled up with them lil' lookin' sum bi—
I stomped the back of Rockford's boot again. Stomped that fucker hard. Harder'n even last time I stomped it and last time I really fuckin' nailed that sum bitch fuckin' heel of his.
Rockford didn't say nothin'. Fucker kept right on marchin' to the tune of—
“Thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Yah yon two. Yon two a theeeeeeeeeeee—
He did do somethin' though. Just a lil' kinda somethin'. What was that lil' kinda somethin' he did? Well, I'll tell yah, see, what he did was, he turned that coke bottle lenses encrusted head of his. Yup. Turned that sum bitch head of his, ever so fuckin' slightly, and, I'm tellin' yah, that slightly turnin' head of his, that shit scared the fuckin' shit outta me. Scared me more'n anything, that slightly turnin' head of his. It really, truly did. I'd of rather'd he'd just turned and told me go fuck myself than pull that slightly turnin' head bullshit. Least then I'd known where I stood with him, how mad he was with me and what not, you know? That slightly turnin' head of his, I mean, fuck, dude, you know? I didn't know what the fuck that slightly turnin' head bullshit of his mean't. Could've mean't any number a fuckin' things, none of which I was smart enough to figure out what with that underdeveloped fuckin' fuck nut of a brain of mine.
Probably thinkin' 'bout murderin' your ass.
You think so?
I know so. Wanna know how I know so?
Cuz he already said he wants to kill yah is how I know so yah dumb fuck yah. Remember? Other day? You, him and Heinz was all chattin' it up, you know, 'fore lights out. Not only'd dude say he wanted to kill yah ass, dude said he wanted to kill yah ass twice. Yup. That's right. Twice his ass said he wants yah ass and if that ain't plain enough for yah ass then I don't know what's what, dense headed fucker yahs.
Dude was just playin' though.
Was he?
“Theeeeeeeeee a fouh. Theeeeeeeeee a fouh. Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—
We haulted.
Callaway, some other dude, they got the doors.
We go'd.
We lined up 'hind all them other recruits.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We waited.
We wai—
Got me some roasted chicken. Got me some mashed 'tatoes. Got me some slimy lookin' green lookin' bullshit. Got me a handful them lil' brown lookin' sum bi—
No one gives a fuck what you got youself a handful of. Get on with it.
I got on with it.
Got on with what, asshole? Fuck you was doin' after you got you all that chicken and taters and dark green lookin' bullshit and handfuls of no one gives a flyin' fuck what they was some fuckin' handfuls of? Huh?
I never said it was dark green lookin' bullshit. Alls I said it was green lookin' bullshit, not dark green lookin' bullshit, even though, in theory, you was actually right 'bout it beein' dark green lookin' bullshit and not just green lookin' bullshit which is weird, you know, what with you remembering what actually fuckin' color it fuckin' was even though I know for sure I didn't say what actual fuckin' color that slimy lookin' green lookin' bullshit actually fuckin' was, you know, you feel? How you actually know what color that bullshit actually fuckin' was, huh, you hear me, huh? How you actually know what actually color that bullshit actually fu—
I went to my division's table.
I sat my ass down.
I didn't eat shit seein' none us could eat shit till Callaway moseyed his big dick havin' ass over to where we was sittin' and said—
Callaway sat his black ass down.
We ate.
Food didn't taste like shit. Was pretty ahhhhhh-ight tasting to me.
We dropped our forks.
We grabbed our trays.
We dropped 'em off.
We lined up.
We go'd outside.
“Yon two. A thee a fou-uhhhhhh. Yah yon two. Yon two a thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Thee a fouh. Yah yon—
Somethin' inside my intestines fucked up.
Fuck was that?
Who gives a fuck? Keep marchin' and listenin' to this slurring and stuttering fuckin' skank who thinks she's the hottest of all shit even though you and I and everyone else in the barracks fuckin' better knows better and make sure not to step on the dude in front of yahs heel like you did with Rockford's fuckin' heels fuckin' earlier and let's hope to Christ he don't end up fuckin' murderin' your pale white worthless fuckin' ass come nighttime if you know what I mean and you feel me and you know exactly what it is I'm fuckin' say—
Somethin' else inside my intestines fucked up.
Fuckin weird feelin', dude! Fuck is that shit?
Fuckin' nothin's what it is. Worry 'bout not getting' your ass fuckin' murdered by aforementioned fuckin' asshole 'fore you go worrying 'bout whatever bullshit it is you worrying about, yeah, huh, feel me?
I feel yah.
Good. Great. I'm happy for yah, what with you fuckin' feelin' me and all, just remember not to piss that four eyed fuckin' Frankenstein lookin' fuck face off. You already stomped his fuckin' heels today. K? Just be nice to his obnoxiously tall lookin' ass and kiss his four eyed lookin' fuckin' ass and everything should be all fine and fuc—
What's wrong?
What's fuckin' matter with yah, dude?
You ain't the only one hurtin', my son.
Huh? What's that you said, God?
You heard me, motherfucker. I says you ain't the only havin' instestinal fuckin' troubles. Look around round yahs why don't yahs?
God wouldn't talk that bullshit to me. You ain't no fuckin' God.
I know I ain't no fuckin' God. Wanna know how I know I ain't no fuckin' God?
Cuz I'm you is why, motherfucker. I sure as shit ain't no fuckin' God, that much is for sure. Think God cusses this fuckin' much, uses his sons name in vain so fuckin' much, huh, do yah?
No, just figured I was talkin' to God all this time and what not.
Sometimes you actually is talkin' to God. Yeah. Sometimes you actually is talkin' to good ol' fuckin' Lord and creator the fuckin' universe fuckin' God. Not this time you isn't though. Nope. You talkin' yahself this time, my dude, my son, my mother-est of all-est motherfuckers, and, I'm tellin' yah, you ain't the only dude out here who's currently hurtin' in the ol' gut area.
How you know that?
Look directly towards the front yahself, motherfucker.
I looked directly towards the front myself and yup, sure nuff, bunch other recruits were squirmin' and grimacin' whilst them freshly incubating xenomorphs or whatever the fuck it was they was tried to hatch their or its way on out our rotten and festerin' intestines. What a fuckin' sight we were. If someone chillin' along the snow encrusted sidewalk had been keepin' an eye on us I'm sure they'd of though we was some bunch of fucked up lookin' weirdos or somethin' what with all our sour lookin' clenched up faces and our bow legged lookin' marchin' postures and our assholes that was all puckerin' up and clenchin' up. Yup. You heard that last part right. Bunch us dudes was puckerin' up and clenchin' up our assholes. How I know a bunch us dudes was puckerin' up and clenchin' up our assholes? Cuz alls I had to stare at for hours on end was a bunch of dudes in front of me's behinds and once you've been marching behind a bunch of dudes in front of yahs behinds and not bein' able to see nothin' but the dude in front of yahs and all the dudes in front of his's behinds you get to the point where you can sure as shit fuckin' tell if said fuckin' behinds are stressed the fuck up and clenched the fuck up and puckered the fuck up and I'm here to fuckin' tell yah most them dudes behinds includin' my fuckin' behind were puckerin' up and clenchin' up tighter'n a bucket's worth of unspoiled virgin pussies that ain't fuckin' jail bait no more seein' it's the day of their 18th birthday and they're currently of legal consent 'cross all 50 or however many states there are when you're currently fuckin' readin' this fuckin' lines which makes 'em the most freshest and tightest and puckered-est and clenched-est fuckin' pussies all around which is a gross fuckin' though I know just tryin' to get it into your probably grossed out by all this tangent goin' bullshit fuckin' brains of yours the level of puckered-ness and clenched-ness goin' on inside me and most them other dude's puckerin' up and clenchin' up fuckin' assholes what with all that bloating and gassing and churning and God knows what fuckin' else was fuckin' goin' on up in them however many miles of guts was all wrapped and twisted up inside all us grimacin' and hurtin' and bowlegged walkin' lookin' motherfuckers if you know what I mean and you know what I'm sayin' and while we're at it can I get an a-fuckin-men 'bout this nasty ass fuckin' bullshit for the creator above us's fuckin' sakes if yah so please and that sounds fair e-fuckin-nough for yahs?
A-fuckin-men, my son.
That you sayin' that, God?
Nah, motherfucker, still just you talkin' yahself.
Fuck you.
By fuck you do you mean fuck you?
Fuck me.
By fuck me do you mean fuck you?
Fuckin' A, dude.
By fuckin' A do you mean fuckin' yo—
We did as we was told.
We did as we was told, but, once we was out of Allen's hawk eyed fuckin' sights, well, I'll tell yah, that's when everything went fuckin' crazy and by fuckin' crazy I mean I'm trying to end this chapter in an ominous way which is retarded as fuck seein' this ain't no once a week TV show it's a just a fuckin' book and ten or some odd inches below this fuckin' paragraph 'bout roughly the size of Callaway's or Cashew's fuckin' dicks you can see exactly what's 'bout to fuckin' happen which completely negates the whole ominous fuckin' atmosphere I was trying to create with this suddenly ending chapter which begs the penultimate question of why I even left this shitty fuckin' paragraph in the final edit of this book in the first place when I know for a fuckin' fact it's fuckin' lame as all fu—
Uhhhh, what?
Why you still talkin' all caps?
Me neither.

I jogged my ass up them barracks steps and every last one them fuckin' steps was torment and torture and every other nasty feelin' word you can think to describe the feelin' of somethin' inside yah tryin' to 'splode it's way on out yah. That churnin' bullshit was getting' worse and I knew for sure I was reachin' the brink of my stair goin' up tolerance and if I went up more than a few more them damned fuckin' steps I was gonna blow exactly two metric square tons of fecal coliform right into the face of whatever poor dipshit was havin' the bad luck of walkin' up the steps 'hind me and hopefully it was Rockford or Callaway or Heinz or all three so's I could brown e'm all up in one fell swoop though it'd be a moot point browning Callaway's ass up seein' his ass was already brown if yah know what I mean and yah know what I'm sayin' but knowin' my luck it was probably Falco's bald headed muscly lookin' Latino ass and no I didn't turn to see if it was fuckin' Falco I needed to concentrate on keepin' my asshole all puckered and clenched and free of any nasty ass leaks or turtle heads which was more than enough to keep me busy is this a long enough fuckin' explanation of the hell I was goin' through or yah need me to repeat this neverending diatribe of bullshit again?
Fuckin' racist, dude.
What you said 'bout not needin' to brown Callaway up with your 'bout to be shit spewin' ass seein' his ass is already brown. That's some racist ass shit ever I heard some racist ass shit, yah know?
No I most definitely do not fuckin' know. Just fuckin' around is all. How's that fuckin' racist though? Huh? Dude's skin's fuckin' brown ain't it?
I were to shit on his ass that would be brown goin' on more layers of fuckin' brown, right, am I right?
Ok, so, go fuck yourself then, callin' me fuckin' racist. Black dude's can say I look like white out and crackers and notebook paper but God fuckin' forbid I say their skin's fuckin' brown ohhhhhhh nooooooo that's just too fuckin' much for their poor lil' hearts to fuckin' bear, huh, ain't it? Fuckin' racist. Man, go fuck yourself with that lame ass fuckin' bullshit you stupid fuckin' dumbass lookin' sum bitch lookin' fu—
I gripped my 'testines with both hands and I'm here to tell yah it took all the willpower in the world not to fall on my back and topple down them stairs and start moanin' and screamin' and thrashin' round like the little pussy ass bitch that I was but no one knew that I was because I was hiding it beneath my fakely confident exterior. The pain was immediate and excruciating and I could feel the shit inside me expanding and churning and doing it's damndest to blow the fuck outta that tiny lil' hole 'tween my cheeks and no I ain't talkin' 'bout the cheeks attached to my head I'm talking 'bout my lower cheeks and my lower cheeks were involuntarily expandin' at an alarmingly accelerated pace that was really and truly startin' to scare the fuckin' shit outta me pun most definitely intended.
Please, Christ, let me be one the first dudes up the bathroom. You do me that kindness, Christ? Huh? Only six or some odd stalls up in there and if I have to wait for 80 some odd dipshits to take a shit 'fore me that's all she wrote cuz I'm shittin' my fuckin' pants right then and there and there ain't no voiding it or helpin' it and maybe so's to avoid that potential embarrassment I should start runnin' up these fuckin' steps right now, huh, you think I should start runnin' up these steps right now, huh, do yah?
Nah, my son. You ask me what I say and I definitely say nah. You get caught runnin' when you not supposed to be runnin' and Allen might stop you and yell at you and if he does stop you and yell at you that might loosen up your bowels and you might end up shittin' your fuckin' pants right front of him and then he'll laugh at you and then everyone in the barracks'll laugh at you and then all the female recruits'll find out 'bout it and laugh at you and then every recruit in every other barracks'll find out about it and laugh at you and then they'll tell everyone back in the real world and all them peeps in the real world will laugh at you and then you'll be fucked for life and I know for sure you don't wanna go bein' fucked for life if you know what I mean and you know what I'm sayin' so wait till you get up to the berthing then you can start runnin' to your hearts lil' fuckin' content once their ain't no fuckin' Allen's to see yahs, K?
K. For sure. You for sure is Christ that I'm talkin' to, right?
Nope. Still talkin' yahself, my duder.
I started hopping three steps at a time usin' my long ass gingery legs to my advantage. Our berthing was so fuckin' close I could taste the motherfucker and I didn't want ten zillion assholes crowdin' front me the last second 'specially since I could feel a turtle head the size of fuckin' Moscow fuckin' pokin' out my ass and gettin' ohhhhhhhhh so close to touchin' the back my tighty whities which would've ruined them fuckers for good seein' I wasn't gonna wear no pair of underwear no more if fuckin' turtle heads had been smeared up onto said pair of fuckin' underwear, yah feel?
Almost there, Christ. Almost there, Christ. Almost there, Christ. Almost there, fuckin' Chri—
There were two doors leadin' into our berthing: one next to the petty officer's lounge and one next to me and Jergan's bed. I entered the one next to me and Jergan's bed and normally that would've been a good thing seein' it was right next to me and Jergan's bed but it definitely wasn't a good thing this time seein' I was gonna have to go all the way down that long ass fuckin' alley way behind half the other dude's racks just to get to the bathroom which of course was all the way the other side of the barracks next to the petty officer's lounge, so, that said, without any further run on fuckin' sentence fuckin' adieu I hauled fuckin' ass faster than all fuckin' hell screamin' curses up to the heavens as I did so and for some reason I was smiling and for some reason I was laughing and for some reason I was havin' the time of my fuckin' life even though a bunch of fuckin' dudes were gaining on me and a few of them were even managing to get the drop on my ass and bypass my not as fast as I thought it was fuckin' ass and still I was laughing and still I was yelling and like I was sayin' I was havin' the time my fuckin' life but the time my fuckin' life immediately ceased beein' the time my fuckin' life when I seen the door next the petty officer's lounge fly open and in come a shit load of recruits headin' straight toward the bathroom like they was fuckin' zombies headin' toward a shivering hunk of man meat they'd just caught scent of which was fuckin' bullshit seein' I still had a long ass ways to go and all they had to do was turn right and they were basically in the fuckin' bathroom already.
“You fuckers!” I screamed and smiled and laughed all at once. “Ain't beatin' me this time you fuckin' motherfuckers yahs!”
I hauled even more fuckin' ass and I was doin' pretty good till Callaway and Chestnut came outta fuckin' nowhere and dusted my ass. I could've bumped 'em to the side with a quick elbow to the stomach and gotten my ass in front of 'em but I knew it'd start World War III and I didn't want the two biggest dick havin' black dudes gunnin' for my ass if you know what I mean, so, that said, I let them fuckers past me even though my insides were a churnin' and a throbbin' and a threatenin' to evacuate their tightly impacted contents, still, me bein' the big ol' wet fuckin' pussy that I was, I let them fuckers past me, possible anal evacuation be damned, and, of course, they was the last two to get a stall 'fore them six or so stalls was all filled up and we was all lined up waitin' to get in 'em, fuckin' Callaway, fuckin' Cashew, fuckin' big black dick havin' motherfuckers.
It hurt so fuckin' bad, dude. Yeah, I was the first dude in line to get me a stall once one them fuckers was finally up and done, still, that didn't change the fact I was hurtin' and churnin' and 'bout to be fuckin' splodin' if one them fuckers didn't hurry his slackin' ass up.
Ain't the only one hurtin'.
No, I most definitely was not. I turned and looked behind me and yup, you guessed it, everyone them fuckers behind me was groaning and moaning and lookin' like it was one the worst days they fuckin' life.
“I'll try to be quick,” I said to everyone behind me. There were a million fuckers behind me so basically I was talkin' to the entire fuckin' barracks. “Can't promise nothin' though. Might not be no toilet when I'm done—ahhhhhhhhh—fuckin' stinks up in here, dude! Ahhhhhh! Fuck you fuckers doin' up in there?”
“Fuck you, Blessing,” Cashew said from within' one the stalls. “You know what the fuck we doin'—ahhhhhh!” Cashew cut his own self off with a massive fart that was followed by a loud ass kerplunkin' sound.
“Hope that didn't spray water back up your ass.” I said. “Might drown yah from the inside out, you know I mean?”
“Fuuuuuuuuck yooooooooou, Blesssssiiiiiiiiiiii—ahhhhhhh!”
More kerplunkin' sounds.
More god awful fuckin' smells.
I shoulda been cryin' what with all them nasty ass sounds and smells commin' out them stalls and all them moanin' and pain riddled fuckers lined up behind me, but, some reason, all that shit, it struck somethin' funny up in me and 'fore I knew what was what I was hunched over and holdin' my churnin' 'testines and laughin' my fuckin' ass off and the sight of me laughin' my fuckin' ass off made a few other dudes laugh their fuckin' asses off and 'fore you knew it that laughter had itself a trickle down effect and before we knew what was what we was a bathroom full of laughin' and moanin' and churnin' and shit 'bout to be spewin' assholes—'cept for the dudes in the stalls who already were shit fuckin' spewin assholes—and if you was to of happened on by us you might've been inclined to think us a bunch of loons and if you'd of told me you thought us a bunch of loons I'm sure I'd of agreed with yah seein' I was the unofficial loon king and all.
“Ain't gonna be laughin' once you're in here, Blessing,” Callaway's voice echoed from the stall next to Cashew's. “Wait till you're in here. Wait till you're feeling what we're feeling. See if you laugh then.”
“I am waiting,” I said. “Gonna shit my fuckin' pants I have to wait any fuckin' longer, dude. I don't know how much longer I can fuckin' wait, truth be fuckin' tol—
“Blessing!” Dude behind me said, rapidly patting my back. “Stalls open!”
I hauled fuckin' ass.
I slammed the stall door.
I latched that fucker so's no dick lovin' assholes could spy on what God had cursed my white ass with.
Lucky I gave you any dick at all, my son. Could've just given you a hole. You want me to turn back time and give you a fuckin' hole?
No, sir, I don't want you to turn back time and give me a fuckin' hole.
Shut the fuck up 'bout it then. You're fuckin' dick's only fuckin' small when it's fuckin' not hard and when it is fuckin' hard it's a normal size and almost six inches and all that makes yah is a grower not a shower so shut the fuck up 'bout it 'fore I kick the shit out your unholy fuckin' ass and say your fuckin' sorry while you're at it for bein' such a whiny lil' titty baby 'bout it why don't cha.
I'm sorry, Christ.
That's ok, my son.
You are fuckin' Christ, ain't yah?
Nope. Still just talkin' yahself.
Fuck, dude.
Fuck, dude, indeed.
I unbuckled my pants.
I pulled them fuckers down.
I sat my ass on the toilet.
I flexed my fuckin' sphincter.
I flexed that fuckin' sphincter again.
Please, Christ, let me finally be able to take a fuckin' shit.
Been a fuckin' week, Christ. Ain't shit out nothin' since that doc gave me that enema.
Please, Christ, give a dude a hand.
Please, Christ, give a dude a hand.
Please, Christ, give a fuckin' dude a fuckin' ha—


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[Halo] Lxthul's Post-Summer Finals Skype AMA
Q: Anyways, where was your beginning? Like when did you start playing halo?
A: hey Reece and George. I mean I began with Halo in general back in like 2001 when it came out but I didn't even know online gaming (besides runescape) was a thing until late 07. I live in the woods in Michigan. After that I just learned about MLG and grinded non stop since then. I don't wanna know how many hours I've put into this. No Reece, I dont think they are close to that. They will have to work and hope they click or make a change
Q: What do you do about lag?
A: Raven, the only compensation for lag is to light a candle and relax and pray you don't get too tilted. Lag is just part of the experience and there really is not solution
Q: What did you think about FABe’s win in the EU Finals?
A: @Ryan FabE played great, they looked like the only team there with any structure. I think they could do pretty well over here, and I also am jealous of their trophy
Q: Lethul how did you guys win at a LAN when @Cratos said you're better online??????????
A: Well N K, if we are better online I don't wanna see how negative he would have went game 4 in the finals since he went 13-29 on LAN
Q: How do you control anger?
A: Ron I have never been a rager, well I was once but I broke a hole through my door that is still there and that's when I learned to stop. I've never been emotional about many things so it just comes naturally to me. Small breaks definitely help though, non stop playing gets to you.
Q: What is your preferred gun?
A: George I just mainly use the pistol, it's one of the best utility weapons you can have and I don't really like having all the power weapons, too much pressure.
Q: Do you think OpTic can be a Top 5 team?
A: @Reece optic just has a lot of small issues, dealing with problems and they seem to be kind of on the lower end of the halo 5 skill and knowledge spectrum.
Q: Lethul, what would you say are the key differences between Onyx, Champion and HCS players?
A: Raven it is definitely just a few things. Having stuff down to a habit, knowing how to play within a team not solo, and work ethic tbh. Some people also just dont have as much time to dedicate.
Q: I have 24/7 and I’m still Onyx.
A: haha raven idk then, maybe it's just down to small things. I guess I can answer this too @Damion. Now it is harder to get teams and stuff together than it use to be. I think it just starts with finding people that are around your rank and learning how to be a teammate within the game with them. It's kind of like a ladder that you have to climb and there's no real shortcuts
Q: Any advice for leading and motivating a team?
A: I've never been one for super motivation @Ryan, I do think that teammates act like the teammates around them though so an easy thing you can do is just keep a cool head and lead by example.
Q: Lethul if you had to stack a team to rival your team right now, who would be on it?
A: Tough question @jonathan. I think a good base for the team is Huke and Bubu. Huke didn't play as well as he does online last event but he is still good. Maybe Huke Bubu with like a @Snipedown + @ContrA or something? Or maybe the old Denial roster back.
Q: Lethul, there is a lot of talk going on about rostermania. What are your thoughts on how important it is for a team to build chemistry over time as opposed to finding the four "best" players?
A: @Doug, I think building chemistry is important but kind of overrated as well. You can definitely do that but at the end of the team some rosters just won't work out. You need to find a team that has a solid base and build up, not build up from the gutters.
Q: Do you think within the next 5 years esports will be as big as normal sports
A: @Ron yea I 100% think they will be. I mean the large esports already are getting up there. I'm excited to see it all unfold.
Q: Lethul your thoughts on why there are not many open lan events so far this year?
A: I don't know @Ryan I really REAALLY hope some open LANs come to us soon. I think that without them the growth is extremely limited already
Q: Do you think you are going to win?
A: Well @George I've won every tourney except 1 the past year and a half so I don't wanna bet against myself yet.
Q: Im pretty sure CLG is just made up of the 4 best players in halo 5, and they're just naturally good at being able to work in a team
A: You could say that, I just think a lot of it comes down to mindset as well. Other people can show up and play as well or better than some of us but it's not enough to win tourneys.
Q: Hey Lethul its Jamaican your favorite obviously, Would you prefer a 10 team pro league or is Halo not big enough for that?
A: lmao whats up jamacian! I would like to see a 10 team pro league if possible, but I think having all teams go to the LAN in some way is more important.
Q: what did you think of the casters saying the other teams are going to break up to find the best combination to beat you guys? That's some compliment, no?
A: About the casters I mean its definitely a compliment but at the same time its true. The way roster changes are now it locks players into teams throughout the season which can build frustration if they don’t perform like the expect except for teams like E6 even though they didn’t perform on LAN. I think this Rostermania is pretty crazy. A lot of rumored stuff is already happening.
Q: Can you give us tips on map movement?
A: Map movement comes down to knowing where the other team is first, you have to learn common rotations to be able to set yourself up. As far as crazy jumps you need to ask Frosty. I just play normal halo that kid is a freak.
Q: Don’t forget the 2050 event!
A: I did forget about that. I’m not sure if its going to be necessarily LAN due to a closed server but its still technically an Open tourney. @Randa asked me to go but I don’t think I’m going to go because I don’t know anyone else going. I think it has a decent following but I don’t want to bring CLG and have us win. I’m a good person deep down and want to share the wealth!
Q: Lethul should the AR continue to be a starting weapon?
A: I think the AR isn't as bad as everyone says Ryan, tbh most of the time I die to it is because I missed a 6 or 7 shot. Any other time you could have had an AR out. I don't think that is make or break for Halo 5, I think this game is still amazing with the default settings
Q: Can you get Frosty in here?
A: No Frosty is an enigma (not enigma6) I never know where that kid is sorry
A: Jamaican, as far as what we want I definitely know what we (Beyond) wants. I mean Cooper is an idiot, but I don’t really know. I don’t have a lot of that insider event intel. I hope we get a midseason Lan that was open. If that could happen with Pro league and finals I think that’s a good base. Pro leagues are cool but you can’t only watch a pro league. I think that would be a really good thing for the community.
Q: What kind of off the cuff shit are you going to say on the HCS Listen In? Can't wait
A: Jeff, the HCS podcast was fun. It should be out tomorrow I dont wanna spoil.
Q: Do you think @Naded is the top Free Agent?
A: He’s up there for sure.
Q: How did you become a Halo fan?
A: Hey molten, I became a halo fan because my parents got me halo 1 and an xbox at a young age for some reason. I started online in 07 and haven't stopped.
Q: How does it feel going into a tourney knowing that you are one of, if not the, best team in the world currently?
A: @luke hahaha it feels weird knowing people expect you to win. I use it as more motivation because I know I'm going to get shit for losing.
Q: Team Intel?
A: Complete chaos. Snipedown 100% not on EG @eL ToWn is pretty much off, Cloud 9 might split in two, and I think Liquid will break up while Eco and @StelluR will stay together.
Q: TJ who was your favorite pro back when you were a noob?
A: My favorite pro back in the day was Neighbor @Jeff
Q: Teej are you the best in the game?
A: I am not the best, I'm just the best at knowing how to not blow games for my teams
Q: If you didn't compete what team would you cheer for?
A: if I didn't compete @Andrew I would be an optic fan #GREENWALL
Q: Name 4 players you'd like to see together and who you think is capable of making a grand finals (at finals) against you for the Fall season of pro league.
A: @TheSimms, I think it would have to start with HUke and bubu even thou Huke didn’t play as good on LAN as online. Start there and maybe a Contra/Devon because Denial was really good. Huke and Bubu are really good pillars.
Q: How did it feel to snuff out cratos and his gang of misfits with total ease? Must have felt good
A: I can’t explain how good it felt to slap Cratos 4-0 at Finals. I don’t want to dislike him but he makes it hard. I keep giving him more chances. He shook our hands this time. I don’t want to know how it would have been online since we are better online.
Q: Why do you think Ace rejoined OpTic
A: I think Ace rejoined OpTic because he missed the juice. I don’t know what other offers he had and I think he expected more when he joined.
Q: What is your favorite Halo?
A: My Favorite halo is Halo 3 for sure. Halo 3 on LAN.
Q: What are your plans after Halo?
A: After Halo I'm hoping to not completely fail in life, I dont have a lot of plans I should prolly get on it.
A: My time on EG helped me learn how to fill gaps. I did it a little on other teams, but when I got on EG I took it to the next level. I appreciate my time on there and learned a lot.
Q: Is there someone you wished you teamed with given the opportunity? Could be pros from before you started playing
A: I would like to try to team with Ola if I ever was put in that scenario.
Q: When did your candle addiction begin?
A: My candle addiction began one morning when I realized I got out shot by @Randa.
Q: Do you think we’ll be able to get a Frosty post game interview next season?
A: No Frosty hates everyone he can’t answer questions, he paid royal 2 to do all his interviews.
Q: What did you do after Finals?
A: After we won Sunday I didn't do much, went out to a steakhouse and then to a bar with 343 and the pros.
Q: Lmao okay well my next question then is when you retire as the most successful/richest Halo player ever, what country do you plan on escaping too to live life in luxury?
A: I'm going to somewhere in the EU to dominate that scene when I can't win over here anymore.
Q: How did you become a pro?
A: I became a pro from playing non stop online and getting recognized, took a lot of hours.
Statement: you will be beat by the EU teams m8
A: I will never lose to an EU team @SIMMS
Which reminds me, any EU teams in here that wanna carry me after I get washed let me know.
Q: I wish to one day be a pro player I love videos games any tips?
A: Molten you gotta find one you truly enjoy playing, no motivation is better than having an actual passion
Q: Also on the flip side do you see any pros from last season not making it on a team this season like goofy.
A: I don’t know who I see getting left out but I think Rostermania will screw over some. Wild cards likes Ryanoob, Danoxide, Heinz, and people like Rammy, Cloud, Falcated might come in. I’m really interested to see what Spartan, RoyBox, and Victory X/Ninja are going to do.
Q: Looking at your career, you've experienced the longest stretch of success for a ReachKid with EG .... what was the biggest takeaway being on that team that you think finally brought CLG to the promised land.
A: I think all the monster that I got on EG definitely sparked my brain to learn that CLG players are younger and could carry me for longer.
Q: Who is the hardest 1v1 kill?
A: Stellur is a really hard 1v1 kill, underrated for sure.
Q: What is your favorite games besides Halo?
A: Favorite game other than Halo? Hmm probably CS or any RPG's like Skyrim and Fallout.
Q: PJ said you were a really nice guy today.
A: PJ is a lying evil human don't believe him.
Q: Are you getting paid for this chat?
A: I don’t get paid for anything except getting carried
Q: Who are the most overrated/underrated players in HCS?
A: Most overrated player? Spartan? I’m not saying he’s bad but because people say he’s Top 10 and Top 5 because he has flashy snipes and there is more to that. Most underrated? StelluR. He gets some credit but he’s really really good.
Q: when your career is in the book, what kind of legacy do you want to be remembered by?
A: I want to be up there with the best @Kevin, I know it's hard since people love to ride the nostalgia of H2 and H3 being more important even though the top 8 now might be more competitive but hey that's their right. I just want to be respected at the end of the day
Q: Do you see OpTic doing better in pro league season 2?
A: Well they got dead last so they can’t do worse. If they don’t do a roster change then they’ll do 7/8.
Q: Who has been your best teammate?
A: Best teammate I've ever had is probably Snakebite. This dude is the most dedicated person to improving I've met and I kinda wanna hit him in the face for it.
Q: Who are better devs for esports support 343 or Bungie?
A: 343 is 1000000% more personal, their games might not be everyones favs but H5 is good aand they are amazing at involving pros @luke
Q: Lord Lethul, Has 343/ESL already made Season 2 changes and informed y'all or do they keep you in the dark?
A: I am in the dark on zone things, but I will know ASAP
Q: How do you think oddball would play out in this game? I think it would be cool if they added it. Also are they adding new maps/game modes for fall pro league?
A: I don’t know, oddball would be weird on these maps tbh. I dont know what else could be added
Q: What's the fate of the Borg twins with rostermania?
A: I hope Roybox find a good roster. They still have it in them.
Q: when you are not on a pro team any more would you ever couch?
A: I might coach, but only if it's with people that actually wanna win
Q: KoTH?
A: KoTH and Oddball just seem weird on all these maps, maybe KoTH? But Strongholds>>>>>>Koth
Q: What is on your wishlist for H6, or whatever it may be called?
A: I just want NO WALLRUNNING @luke, when there is wallrunning that's when I quit.
Q: Did u ever feel like quitting and that the grind wasnt paying off?
A: I quit in H3 after my first event for like a month because I didn't know if it was worth it spending money and stuff but I eventually came back and it was worth it. Sometimes breaks can be beneficial.
Q: Were you good at any games before Halo?
A: I was good at most games, I dont think I've been bad at any games. some of it is natural.
Q: what sparked your interest in gaming and inspired you to persue it? Did you ever think you'd get to the point you are now?
A: I think just watching MLG events and seeing competitive play sparked it, I loved watching the MLG shows on USA from 06 and 07
Q: What was the first game you ever really grinded?
A: My first game I actually grinded was Gears of War. That was my first game I played a lot of online
Q: Am I the only one who remembers when Huke was a CoD pro for Denial or nah?
A: Huke is the 2nd place god.
Q: What is your favorite Halo 5 weapon?
A: Favorite H5 weapon is the carbine. Underrated weapon. Light Rifle and Carbine >>>>
Q: If you could be a pro in any other game what game?
A: I would be uhhhh.... a CS pro hahah
Q: Who is more annoying @Ace or @MaNiaC?
A: Ace is the worst human in all aspects of life
Q: What will you do with your HWC money?
A: I don’t know @Daniel, I wanna try to invest some but I'm not a genius yet so I'll wait. Other than that just not get in trouble with the IRS*
Q: Did you have any of the Cake Wars cake?
A: No I didn't have any of the cake, they asked if we wanted any but I just wanted to finish the tourney.
Q: Do you think there will ever be a point in your life where you'll need to stoop to such a low level of intelligence to get by and join optic gaming and move into the house?
A: When I can't play and I have a nice Canon GX7 vlogging camera yes
Statement: Cratos beat you to vlogging.
A: Cratos doesn't beat me at anything.
Q: Who is the fakest Halo pro?
A: Fakest Halo pro? hmm idk probably @aPG cause he tries to be friends with everyone.
Q: If there was a tourney and your teammates couldn't make it and you had to throw together a random team of 4 who would be on your team? No one from clg
A: Assuming I could get anyone, I would get Huke Ola and Bubu
Q: Who is the best overall player?
A: Snakebite might be the best overall after this last event
Q: Describe your first event and your decision to stick with pro gaming
A: My first event was fun, I mean I got 26th which wasn't horrible at the time and I had a pick up team but I just didn't want to get that I wanted to win.
Q: Why do you think Optic struggled so much this season?
A: I think optic just doesn't treat it as a career and they aren't naturally the best at H5
Q: Who is the most awkward pro?
A: most awkward pro.... idk maybe penguin? maybe ryanoob? IDK maybe its me
A: actually now that I think about it... it prolly is me an awkward person wouldn't know they are awkward
Q: What is your best gamemode?
A: My best game mode is CTF just because it is about plays not kills and I understand it more than most
Statement: I really like Frosty. I feel like he’s next level pro.
A: Frosty is the definition of an H5 kid. Everyone knows a lot about the game but only he can really put it all together.
Lethul makes a statement: I'm just mad that my 5 or 6 tbags on cratos didn't show on the screen.
Q: I watched Tashi's recent videos he's posted on Twitter, he asked who you thought would be on the level of ogre 2 and you jokingly said yourself (I think it was jokingly) but seriously you have to be close if not already there imo
A: I am in the conversation @Richard, I have 11 events wins or something and if you dont count H4 that is more than Ola. I don't have to be peoples #2 cause I understand but putting me in the convo around t5 isn't wrong
Q: Do you think eSports will be the same as regular sports?
A: I think esports is its own thing, and eventually it'll be on the level of sports. Don't like giving them comparisons.
submitted by rustrustrust to CLG [link] [comments]

[PI] The year is 2050, the polar ice caps have melted making Eurasia the only land avaiable for colonization. All nations are at war, you are a general in one of these nations.

When I saw the original prompt I failed to read the actual text, that went into more detail. As a result, the Story that I had thought of didn't fit the actual prompt anymore. But I still wanted to share it, so I'm doing it here. Any constructive criticism is very welcome.
The Story plays out in Austria, and I decided to keep the German Rank names for stylistic reasons. In case you have to know:
Generalmajor = Major General
Oberst = Colonel
Hauptmann = Captain
Korporal = Corporal
Obergefreiter = Private First Class
Also Panzergrenadiere are mechanised Infantry. That's it I think.
Generalmajor Himmelsklang was sleeping uneasily.
"Hear Daddy, it's the sound of heaven!", a Girl said in his dreams. He woke up screaming "Grace!". He looked up. A shrill knock.
"General, are you awake?" the door seemed to ask.
The General reached for his medallion with a picture of both his daughter (and only child) Grace, and his wife Mary. They both had died in the war. His look lingered on the pictures for a second.
"General!". Another knock catapulted General Himmelsklang into the real world. He had yet again fallen asleep at his desk in full uniform. At least that meant he didn't have to get dressed.
"Yes, come in!", he barked at the door. A young officer entered. He was average hight, blond with green eyes.
"Sir, here are the reports from the 51st Panzergrenadier Regiment." The Young officer handed him some pieces of paper. General Himmelsklang shoved them onto his desk. The unit under his command formed part of the 28th Panzer Divison, wich he commanded. It was part of the second Army, stationed on the eastern Front.
"Yes, thanks Hauptmann Engels. Have you heard back from High Command yet?"
"Yes. Permission for your offensive has been denied.", Engels answered dutifully.
"Damnit.", General Himmelsklang said, slamming the papers against his desk.
"On the front, fighting all but has broken down. There are talks about us making a truce with the Hungarians.", Engels added.
General Himmelsklang had known a lot about history at one time, but he couldn't remember ever reading something about a war like this one. It was just called the "Great War". The Name sounded familiar, but the Events did not.
Global Warming turned out to have much worse and much quicker effects then even the worst doomsayers had predicted. By 2020 it was obvious that the entire Planet would be uninhabitable sooner or later. But there was hope. A spaceship with a revolutionary Antimatter engine was to be sent to a nearby planet.
The Goal: To explore said Planet, to find out if it was habitable or not, and to start laying the foundations for the first human colony in space. Once the coast was clear, as many others as possible would follow.
Of course, the Project was hugely ambitious. All the worlds best scientists and engineers were a part of it, more then 10 Million. Entire Cities were raised from the ground to house them. Carbon emissions were cut to almost Zero in an effort to make this planet "last" as long as possible.
Then, there was an accident, and the spaceship exploded so violently, most of the US was wiped off the map. Everyone working on the Project died. The last hope for humanity was lost. This was in 2030.
Soon all the nations that were part of the effort began accusing each other of Sabotage. Before long the coastal nations attacked the landlocked nations in a bid for land, to replace what they were loosing to the sea. It wasn't long until war engulfed the entire continent, or for all he knew, the entire world, for all contact to nations outside of Eurasia was lost. They are thought to all be dead though.
The War was total. Everybody who could fight was drafted. All Nations had fronts toward all others, it was a free-for-all. Occasionally, two nations would find it to their interest to stop fighting temporarly, and signed a truce, usually for a year or so. But they were almost always broken before that, as one prayed on the percieved or real weekness of the other.
As all the worlds greatest scientists had died, science was set back about a hundred years. Not only that, but all scientists left were drafted into the Armies. There were no more Schools either, as all male children were drilled for war almost from birth, while the females worked in war related factories from Age 5.
As a result, most Armies looked like they were cobbled together from anywhere between the second world war and the twentyfirst century. As fewer and fewer people knew how to build and maintain complex machinery, the Armies fell back on older and older technologies. Piston Engine Trainer Aircraft fitted with cannons were mixing it up with simple jets, early twentifirst century tanks (the most modern ones walking on legs like Spiders), fought alongside tanks designed on the Basis of WW2-Era vehicles.
"A Truce? Then it must be true what our intelligence is saying, that the Hungarians are suffering extreme casulties against the Ukrainians. Just when we were doing so well!"
"Sir, these Soldiers have been fighting their whole lives, shouldn't we let them enjoy some peace?"
"Hauptmann, is it the duty of a soldier to enjoy peace?"
"No, sir."
"What is our Duty?"
"To win this War, Sir."
General Himmelsklang laughed. Or actually he just briefly exhaled more then usual and smiled.
"Win this War? What do you think this is? Are you aware we are at War with the entire World? How could we possibly win? No you fool, our duty is to fight."
"But if we can't win, why... why are we fighting then?"
"Don't go asking foolish questions. You might as well be asking why we live."
"Sir?". Engels looked at him confused.
Silence spread through the room, heavy as an artillery Shell.
General Himmelsklang looked at his calendar.
"You think another Day has passed, Sir?", Engels asked
"Probably.", Himmelsklang answered, without moving to cross out a day.
After the Distaster, all nations started polluting massively again. Afterall, the world was doomed already anyway. Maybe even before the disaster. The results, mixed with debris from the explosion of the engine were horrible: There was a thick, dark smoke hanging over the world, blocking out the sun, so you couldn't tell day from night most of the time. Most People just slept whenever they could. The temperatures fluctuated wildy, even the seasons were messed up beyond recognition. As a result, combined with everybody beeing occupied with war, and the decline in Technology, it was impossible to accuratly tell the time, yet alone the date. Everybody kept their own count.
"So what does your count say, Sir?"
"Seventh of December 2050. Yours?"
"Fourth of April 2067."
"We're apart seventeen years now. You know, once all People would agree on the date to the day. To the Day. You didn't have to keep track of it yourself, there was always someone you could just ask."
"And you really think it's December? I know there are no real seasons, but it's over 30 degrees."
General Himmelsklang only now noticed the intense heat.
"Yes, you're right. I may have to subtract a few months."
"Subtract?", Engels asked incredulously. While it was true noone agreed on the exact date, General Himmelsklang's count was an extreme outlier, most were within a few years. And General Himmelsklang's count was by far the lowest.
"There is no way it's 2051 already. That would make me sixty." He shook his head. "No way."
Engels held in a hearty laugh. In reality, General Himmelsklang was at least 80. An Age few people reached nowadays.
Energeticly, General Himmelsklang stood up.
"Either way, I have to get out of this fucking Office. We will inspect the 51st. Seeing the men will tell me more about the Situation than a fucking peace of paper."
"Sir, you really shouldn't go outside. You could get hit by an artillery shell. Besides, the Air outside isn't good for your health."
In recent years, the Air got so bad you had to wear a gas mask if you wanted to go outside most days. The poisions in the Air could cause rashness, impair judgement, make forgetfull and cause lung cancer and even insanity, to name just a few symptoms. General Himmelsklang sometimes joked that someone had opened the window when someone in his Headquarters did something stupid. But he honestly had no doubt that the Air had something to do with the Situation the world was in.
He wanted to tell him that it didn't matter if he got hit by a shell. That it didn't matter if the Air killed him. That it didn't even matter if the war was "lost" because of that.
"And if I stay here, I might die of boredom.", he retorted instead. "And you sound like you have been getting too much fresh air too."
"Yes, sir." Engels sighed. He didn't have to ask again to know that was an order. And General Himmelsklang's orders were always absolute.
They went to the car, a requistioned Porsche 911. Engels drove. The 51st had recently seen heavy combat, and so was moved back and held in reserve. They were stuck behind a truck column doing 20 km/h.
Himmelsklang was thinking about his dream. What did it mean? "The Sound of heaven." He looked up toward the darkened sky. The tattering of a thousand engines. They passed a seemingly endless column of infantry, dressed in old Wehrmanct Uniforms. Even General Himmelsklang didn't know hy they had changed to wearing Wehrmacht Uniforms. Maybe the higher-ups thought it was a fitting way to mark their decline into barbarism and injustice? At least they were not killing any yews, General Himmelsklang thought. Not more then other people anyways. Even the song they were singing was from World War Two.
"In meinem kleinen Kämmerlein blüht auch ein kleines Blümelein. (In my room too, a small flower blooms.)"
CLAP, CLAP CLAP. General Himmelskampf clapped his Hand against the side of the car in the rythm. Engels did the same with his fingers against the steering wheel.
"Und das heisst... (And it's name is)"
Schon beim Morgengraun sowie beim Dämmerschein, (From morning to dusk's light)"
Himmelsklang hummed the melody, but didn't sing the words.
"Schaut's mich an (It looks at me), Erika."
"Do you have Family?", Himmelsklang asked suddenly, drowning out the singing.
"Erm, yeah. A wife and three kids. Two Sons, about seven and three. My Daughter was born just a few Days ago."
Himmelsklang nodded absent-mindedly.
"In der Heimat weint um dich ein Mädelein (At home, a girl cries for you)"
Himmelsklang silently asked himself wether he should feel joy or empathy for his brother in Arms.
"Und das heisst (Her name is)"
"What are their names?", General Himmelsklang asked as soon as the singing died down.
"Hm? My children? The boys are named Heinz and Erwin, my daughter Dorothea."
"Dorothea? It means "Gift from God", does it not? Greek I think, or Latin, one of those."
"Really? I don't know about that, I just heard it somewhere and thought it was nice."
"That's as good as a reason as any. Do you believe that?"
"Believe what?"
"That she is a "Gift from God"."
Engels fell silent.
"I don't know. I guess in some ways yes, and some ways no. Though I probably am just beeing a fool again."
"That is probably the least foolish thing I've ever heard from your mouth, Hauptmann. Not that that is saying much."
"Thank you, sir."
"I've never asked, but while we are talking. Someone as foolish as you surely has a dream. Not like having a dream at night, but an overarching goal in life."
"Don't we all, Sir?"
"Really? I mean look at those guys! You think that guy has a dream? That guy? When you look into their eyes, do you see grand aspirations, dreams? I see nothing but tired old men ducking their head in like a deer that just got shot at."
Engels saw that it was true.
"And you, sir?", he asked.
"And what me? Even you aren't foolish enough to think a tired old cynic like me has a dream."
Engels didn't answer, but sank his shoulders. Himmelsklang eyed him over.
"Even though I scold you a lot for it, I am glad you are such a fool. The world needs more fools like you, and less men like me, who are to smart, both for their own good and for that of those around them.
"Men like like Oberst Teufler?"
Oberst Teufler was in command of the 51st Panzergrenadier Regiment, the very unit they were driving to inspect right now. He was only a little older then Engels, but had advanced through the military hierarchy very quickly. He was a tough fighter and brilliant tactitian, decorated with the Iron Cross first class, the highest honour in the Army now. Engels never liked Teufler much, and if he was completely honest neither did General Himmelsklang. But it was seen as foregone conclusion that Teufler was destined for the very top, so General Himmelsklang didn't want to antagonise him.
"Don't change the subject now, so what is this dream of yours?"
Engels blushed, and began stuttering an answer.
"Well, erm, I've overheard you talk about these things called schools, back from before the War. I... I would like to build one of those schools. My sons... I know they will become Soldiers, but my father is in high command, so he can keep them safe and comfortable. But... my Daughter, I don't want her to slave away in some factory for sixteen hours a day. I want her to learn how to read and write, like the boys, and... and I want her to be able to play music and draw and play. I want... I want..."
"A future."
"Yeah, I guess. A future."
"You know I used to be a fool too, before the War. Maybe, one day, I can be a fool again."
"Now shut up and drive, I don't think I've had quite enough sleep.", he demanded, leaning back and closing his eyes.
They completed the rest of the trip in silence. General Himmelsklang couldn't get any sleep of course.
Oberst Teufler was already expecting them as they arrived, and so was what was left of the 51st. The Regiment that numbered 2468 when it entered combat a month ago, was now reduced to but 506 Men. Although of the missing, 384 had only light injuries and would become available soon. Even so badly damaged, the regiment was still a magnificent sight. The Men were perfectly arranged together with their vehicles behind them. They were newly built vehicles that looked like the Wehrmacht halftracks of WW2. The better weapons left from before the War were reserved for more elite Units. Although few doubted that the 51st had made a name for itself regardless of its modern (and that meant lower-quality) equipment. It was in fact the most highly decorated regiment on the Eastern Front.
Before the neat rows of machine and men, Oberst Teufler stood proud, tall and straight as an arrow. His brunette Hair was cut short, and his uniform, unlike most an actual relic from World War Two, carried the Iron Cross on the proudly extended chest.
Oberst Teufler saluted. General Himmelsklang saluted back.
"Generalmajor Sir, Oberst Teufler reports the 51st Panzergrenadier Regiment assembled for inspection!"
"Yes, attention."
"Atteeeeeention!" he bellowed.
Oberst Teufler saluted. General Himmelsklang saluted back.
The Regiment continued standing at attention as General Himmelsklang walked past the formation from the left to the right, Oberst Teufler and Engels walking besides him on either side.
He noted that most men were decorated with an Iron cross.
"You gave out the medals for the action last month already?", he asked Oberst Teufler.
"Yes, Sir."
"Shame. I would have liked to give some out myself."
"Perhaps in the future, Sir."
"Yes, perhaps."
As hard as he looked, General Himmelsklang found nothing objectionable about the troops. Not that he was suprised: If Oberst Teufler valued one thing, it was Discipline.
"Good, very good. How do you estimate the Troop's Morale?"
"Actually, Sir I wanted to speak to you in this matter."
"Very well." General Himmelsklang answered, staring at him. An awkward silence ensued, like thick mud covering the tracks of a tank.
"Alone." Oberst Teufler said, looking directly at Engels. Himmelsklang took the hint.
"Of course. Hauptmann, why don't you share some of your War stories with these Gentlemen while I go inside with the Oberst?", Himmelsklang said with a smile. Engels gulped. He had always been what some called a rear echelon motherfucker, kept safe by his Daddy who was in High Command. If the 51st didn't have such a strong tradition of discipline, Himmelsklang might have feared for his life.
General Himmelsklang followed him to inside his office.
"So, have you heard back from high command yet?", Oberst Teufler asked.
"Yeah, they denied plans for any offensive action."
Teufler shook his head.
"Sad, that. In fact I was hoping for that offensive. You see, my troops have been stationed in the rear for almost week now."
"Well after the action they had, they need the rest. And you still are below twenty percent strength."
"Well of course, but..."
"They seem content."
"That is exactly the problem. They are resting, they are out of combat, they are enjoying themselves. But at the same time, they are growing soft. If their lives become worth living, they will want to hold on. They will loose all their value as Soldiers if it goes on like this."
"They are like the crew of the Bounty in Tahiti."
"Erm, nothing, just an old tale from before the War. What do you suggest?"
"I must request my regiment see action again."
"Unacceptable. Not before you have brought your strength up at least to fifty percent."
"Sir, I..."
"This is an order."
"Yes Sir, of course." Oberst Teufler walked around in his room.
"Damn high command! We both know the offensive would have been succsessful."
"Yeah, the hungarians are weak. I bet that is why they want this ceasefire everybody is talking about.
"A disgrace, this ceasefire!" Teufler showed a look more hateful than he had ever in combat.
"But they don't seek it simply to move troops from the front.", he continued, to the suprise of Himmelsklang.
"What do you mean?"
"Sir, I must ask of you to swear that this information will not leave this room."
"I swear it upon my honour as a soldier." Teufler loved empty phrases like that. Teufler leaned in close, whispering as if he feared someone was listening to them.
"The Ukrainians have discovered something. Something that could change the fate of the world if we let it. You see, when they built the great Spaceship, they had anticipated that there were risks."
"Risks? Like blowing up half a continent?"
"Maybe they didn't think that was possible, but they anticipated something might happen with the Antimatter Engine. So, they built a second one."
"A second engine?" Himmelsklamm parroted, his eyes opened wide.
"Yes. It was stationed in western Ukraine, safe from a potential explosion of the first. There is also enough fuel stored at the facility. They just forgot to tell anybody else. It was only disvovered recently."
Himmelsklang leaned forward.
"Who else knows about this?"
"All the Eurasian goverments. Also some Hungarian Officers. The polititians are having a meeting soon to decide what to do with it. Right were the engine is stored."
"You mean they plan to launch it?"
"Yes. And they also plan to end the war, so they can work together on the project."
Himmelsklang was rendered speechless. A second Antimatter Engine? The War might end? It was like his entire life was turned upside down. What was that strange, soft feeling in his chest that reminded him of the time before this War, of Mary and Grace?
"We must stop them."
"Stop them?"
"Of course! Just think about it, sir! No war! What will become of us? You and I, we are Soldiers, we never learned anything else. We can't do anything else."
"So you have a plan?"
"Yes. The meeting will be held near Kiev. It will be guarded, but they don't expect a real attack. I have already talked to some of the hungarians. They are willing to let us through without opposition. Some may even join us."
"Join us for what?"
"In our attack on the meeting of course. We will defeat the Guards, then kill all the delegates present. If possible we will also destroy the engine, but it won't be necessary, strictly speaking. Like after the first failure, the different nations will blame each other for the mess, and the War continues."
"What kind of opposition can we expect?", General Himmelskampf asked mechanicly.
"About 1000 Men. Elite Guards with the most powerful ancient equipment. But they are mostly pampared sons of high officers that never saw combat, and they won't be prepared to fight. We should be able to defeat them."
Himmelsklang sighed. What should he do?
"I need to think about this. It doesn't sound right. I mean technicly, you could call this treason."
"Sir, it would be treason NOT to do this!". Teufler while speaking walked towards his table, slammed it with his right first as he said "not", and turned back towards Himmelsklang before continuing.
"Treason not only towards our country, but to all of humanity. See, I have discovered this ancient artefact not long ago."
Teufler picked up a book. It was a highschool textbook on biology.
"I thought all books were burned during the War?"
"This one wasn't somehow. It talks about what it calls evolution, right here."
Teufler opened the textbook at a marked page. Some of it was singed lightly, but most of it was intact.
"Yes. You see, we humans aren't the only ones constantly at war. All of nature is as well. Animals fight and kill other animals for food, or territory, for mates. It makes them stronger."
"How so?"
"You see, the ones that are better at fighting off rivals and killing will live longer and produce more offspring then the others. And their kids, that inherit their traits do as well. The weak die, and the strong multiply, and as a result everything grows stronger. If we do not sort out the weak - both in heart and body- like chaff from the wheat, our nation will grow weak, humanity will grow weak. What is weak must be eliminated for the strong to prosper, like a cancer must be removed from a patient. This is nature's form of healing. In Nature, everything is at war. Day and night, heat and cold. The ocean pounds against the Earth like a battering ram. The winds howl against the mountains like an aireal assault. Who are we to disregard nature? War isn't just in human nature, it's in the nature of existence."
The world didn't seem particularly strong to Himmelsklang, nor did his country.
"But work together with the Hungarians?"
"I have no hate for the Hungarians! No more then a wolf has for deer. And in Nature, two kinds may also share common interests and ally for a while. And once this becomes unprofitable they go back to killing each other again."
"Yeah.", he nodded.
"I knew you would understand. Thanks for your support."
"That's not what I... Nevermind, I have to go."
Himmelklang fled from the office to find Engels talking and joking with the other soldiers.
"We are driving back now."
"Yes, Sir."
They headed towards the car.
"I see you have made a few friends?"
"Not really. I just told them that there could be a truce with the hungaraians, and they just opened up."
The both got in, and Engels shifted the Key.
"You shouldn't have done that. In fact we will go ahead with our offensive."
"Really?", Engels said, letting go of the key. "What about headquarters?"
"Let me worry about headquarters. Some of the deployment will be changed by the way, but I will tell you about that in my office."
They did not speak another word during the drive home. Instead General Himmelsklang was thinking about what Teufler had told him. Everything he said was logical, and he couldn'nt find anything wrong with it. But despite that it just seemed wrong somehow.
After they got back, General Himmelsklang sulked in his office instead of adjusting his plans to the situation as he should.
The sound of heaven. Lying on top of his desk, he looked up and out of his window. "The sound of heaven", he thought. Silence.
After an hour he was finally finnished. He handed the plans to Engels.
"Here. Make all the necessary preperations. We will head out in two hours ourselves."
Engels eyed the plans over as he had feared.
"This... certainly is unorthodox. Are you sure we should focus so many troops in such a small area? And..."
"Hauptmann, we must do our duty. Inform the subcommanders."
"Erm, yes sir", he said meekly.
He didn't move.
"Are you waiting for a written invitation?"
"No, sir, I'm sorry sir, I just... It's just you seem a little off lately and..."
"Relay. The. Orders. Or I will do it myself. And then have you courtmarshalled."
"Yes Sir!", he said loudly and stiffly, turning around immediatly, visibly shaking while walking.
He knew he couldn't tell Engels about his plan, as he would never agree to do such a thing. But how long could he keep him from finding out the truth?
He went back to sulking around in his office.
The two hours passed like minutes, and the feared knock at the door came.
"Yes, I'm coming."
He walked out of his office.
"Slight change in plans, Hauptmann. We will stay with Oberst Teufler until the temporary forwards headquarters are established."
"Yes, Sir." Engels answered. They didn't talk during the drive. When they arrived, it was even darker then usual.
"I have to discuss something personally with the Oberst. You stay here.", General Himmelsklang said, exiting the car.
Engels reached for the car door.
"You stay in the car. That's an order.", he said sternly as he closed the door. Engels retracted his hand and looked away, but didn't do or say anything else.
He walked over to Teufler's office. A Hungarian Officer was already inside.
"Ah, General Himmelsklang. Good to see you. This is Oberst Hadik. He and his 32nd Motorised Regiment will help us in our endevour.
Awkwardly, Himmelsklang shaked the foreigners hand. He was missing his right Eye and a few fingers of his left hand. He looked old and slightly overweight. Oberst Teufler under his breath spoke some hungarian to him, but Himmelsklang only could make out his own name.
"Good, we may have need for them."
"Do the other officers know yet?"
"No, I thought we should confront them with it as late as possible. Should make them more likely to agree."
"Yes, yes excelent thinking General. What about Hauptmann Engels?"
"He doesn't know. But I think he suspects something. I'm not sure how long we can keep him out of the loop."
Teufler walked to the window casually and opened it.
"I think I know."
He reached out, and packed somebody by the collar. It was Engels.
"I ordered you to stay in the car, Hauptmann!", Himmelsklang bellowed.
"You won't get away with this!", Engels screamed, winding himself in a vain effort to escape Teufler's grip. But other Soldiers were already moving towards him.
"Apprehend this man! Korporal, Obergefreiter, you two stay behind and guard him. He must not escape, do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir!" voices outside bellowed in unison.
"I will not have him harmed.", Genereal Himmelsklang ordered.
"Of course", Teufler murmered.
Engels was kicking and screaming.
"You have to stop him, General! He can't get away with this!"
Himmelskampf couldn't stand to watch him beeing dragged away.
"WE already have.", Oberst Teufler said.
"Very well, we will proceed according to plan. You will move out in 20 minutes. I must leave now.", he said hurridly.
"Do you require a new driver?", Oberst Teufler asked.
"No, I'll drive myself", he answered while walking out.
He drove to his temporaray forwards headquarters, where he contacted all of his other immediate dingens. With a mix of threats, screaming and reasoning, he got them all to play along. After he finnished, A car arrived at his new headquarters. It was the two soldiers Teufler had left to guard Engels, as well as Engels himself.
"What are you doing here?"
"Oberst Teufler ordered us to take the prisoner here. He tried to escape, and this location is more secure.", one of them answered.
"Very well."
"General, how are things going up front? You seem worried."
"We havn't encountered an resitstence yet. Everything is going according to plan. Now take him out of my sight."
Engels threw Himmelklang an angry look as he got dragged away. Engels wasn't the type to throw angry looks.
Himmelsklang collapsed in his chair like unprepared infantry before a tank assault. He felt tired. He looked at his wristwatch. It has only been a few hours he has been awake, although modern watches couldn't really be trusted. Still he felt tired already. More than needing sleep, he was drained of all energy. Not like a man that was on a long march, but as a sick men that had spent all days lying in bed. Maybe he just needed to stretch his legs a little.
Heavily as an overburdened attack helicopter lifting off, he stood up. Where to go to though? He still had to be in reach if someone tried to communicate with him.
"Why not give Engels a visit?", he thought. Not that he hoped anything would come of it. He could never convince Engels to support him. He couldn't possibly make him understand. Nothing of use could come out of this conversation. He went anyway. He soon found a room with the two soldiers where standing in front of the door.
"I would like to speak with the prisoner."
"Erm, General Sir, Oberst Teufler has forbidden anyone from seeing him.", the Korporal said nervously.
"Does he give orders around here, or do I? Let me through."
So he did. He locked the door behind him. The Room was dark and windowless, as most modern buildings.
Engels was sitting in a corner and looked up.
"Why are you here?", he asked.
"I could ask you the same, you know. You could have just played along, and you wouldn't be here. If things had turned out different, you could have been killed, you know."
Engels just looked away in silence.
"I guess sometimes fear gets the worst of us. You fear war, that's just understandable."
"NO!", he screamed. "No.", he said after calming down. "I don't fear war. I hate it. I hate what it has made out of us, all of us. I hate it more than anything else. In fact, I've never been less afraid in my life."
"Never been less afraid? Then why do you let these guys shove you around? I'm no dog, but I can tell fear when I smell it. This entire world reeks of it."
"Even as so many people risk their lifes for nothing?"
"I never said everybody feared death, just that everybody had fear. But there is no need to be afraid, not for anyone. We are just dust in the wind. War, peace, life, death, what does it matter in the end?"
"No, it only doesn't matter to you! Why should you fear death? You are already long dead! All the time I've known you, you never once laughed, really laughed. I never seen you joking to friends, I never saw you beeing happy, even for a second. You are so afraid of life, of making this world mean something, you have gone ahead and died. What does it matter? Why have I been born? Just because you couldn't find any answers you liked, you have cowered in fear like a dog. You have given up everything you still had, for no reason. But I'm still alive! My family is still alive!"
Himmelsklang fought back a tear like an enemy assault.
"And sometimes it's hard, and every day it get's harder to keep on going, to keep on hoping!", Engels continued. "And I know it will all end some day. But does that really mean it will have meant nothing? That we couldn't MAKE it mean something? Don't Grace and Mary mean anything to you?"
"Grace? Mary? I... I never told you about them."
"You left you medallion lying around once. Any ou sleeptalk. A lot. So I put wto and two together."
Himmelsklang stood up.
"I have to go now. Farewell. I'm sorry if I led you to believe I was a better man."
"You are a better man, General."
Himmelklang left the room, after the guards opened the door. Where was he going? He stormed past his office. He knew he couldn't take another fucking second in that room.
He headed toward his Porsche.
"Erm, General Sir? Where are you going?", one of the Soldiers stationed at the building asked, while he was blowing past him.
"To the frontlines."
"Sir! You need to remain here, to remain in radio conact with everyone!"
"Just get my chief of staff to anser then, whoever the fuck that is nowadays."
"Sir, he..."
"I don't care! Just refer them to anyone in my staff. Answer yourself if you have to!"
He got into the car.
"Sir! It is dangerous!"
"I don't care!". He drove off with these words. He drove madly in direction of the peace conference. To do what? General Himmelklang was always a man with a plan, but right now he couldn't even say what he would do the very next second.
His dream popped in his head again. The sound of heaven. It was almost as dark as closing his eyes, as he looked up at the sky. "The sound of heaven.", he thought. A Gunshot.
It's a bit too long, so the rest is in the comments.
submitted by Prince_of_Savoy to WritingPrompts [link] [comments]

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